Icastar's Diary (iv)
14th day in the Shadow Garden.
Nothing is happening. I haven’t seen Maskaoí properly for four days - at least I think it has been four days. I am still unsure exactly how time passes here. But my meals have been appearing - without her; they just pop into view on a silver plate, which vanishes when I’m done - fairly regularly. Counting them, it seems four days have gone by since she dragged me back to the tower.
Clearly she doesn’t know what curiosity is.
Yet, I know that she does. Wasn’t it curiosity that caused her to watch my old world? Curiosity caught her in the first place, so why shouldn’t I be allowed to feel the same thing? Perhaps it is understanding she lacks.
I mustn’t sulk. I must not sulk. It will help nothing and no one.
Oh, but I am bored.
She has locked me in the tower, I don’t think I mentioned that.
I wish she didn’t treat me like a wayward child at times, yes I was going back into the mysterious wood, but I wasn’t actually going to step over the edge, just retrace my steps and look at it. Once you have had a taste of eternity, it eats at you, taunting you to look again.
I want to stare on that beauty and not feel fear.
Then again, perhaps it is better that I always fear it. Perhaps that’s what Maskaoí is unhappy about - now she knows what fear feels like. Well, I’d like to think that, but then I would be assuming that she feared for my safety. I daren’t be presumptuous where she is concerned, at least not anymore. I might have been once, but that was before she avoided me for four days.
Oh, stars, it’s all so silly.
Still, at least I have been able to explore the tower. I now know it as well as I ever knew Icarus’ tower back on the island. Not too hard really, considering it is practically the same. When I first saw it, I was in two minds as how to view it. After all, I had been so unhappy on the island, had felt so much in so short a tally of years. Yet now, as I’ve grown used to it, I’m grateful to her for making it the same. It feels like home.
I wasn’t always unhappy when I was alive, I wasn’t always in pain. Sometimes I forget that, but having the tower here to remind me of the times when I was happy, it makes me feel better. More settled.
The stars like it too. I swear they sing louder when I climb to the top and out onto the roof. In my enforced solitude I’ve been spending a lot of time up there, staring out into eternity and letting the stars consume me.
Their song is unlike anything I have heard before, like the stirring of my soul from the bottom all the way to the top. All at once snatches the breath from my lungs, fills my veins with fire, makes the world brighter and brings tears to my eyes. Even when I am not paying attention with the whole of my being, it can still catch me at odd moments and raise goosebumps on my skin, and cause a strange, tingling in my stomach.
Now that I am growing more familiar with the feel of it, I cannot think how I ever wished to be without it - even for a moment. It feels like my heartbeat now.